Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
