I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
