i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
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If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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