i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
