Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
