True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
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Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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