I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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