it's like heaven, but drunker
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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