end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
