if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
