My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
