woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
