We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize