News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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