I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
