You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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