it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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