I wish I could punch you in the face.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She told me I should be a condom model.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
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Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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