My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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