thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
