I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
