Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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