This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
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Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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