What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
