You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
