new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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