I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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