hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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