k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
