Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
