pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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