My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
