Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
