You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
