Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
