Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
