Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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