Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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