u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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