I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
