ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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