Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
