I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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