Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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