I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
