apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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