yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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