Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
