omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
