My friends, they love my intelligence
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
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