Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
