My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
