I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
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Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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