ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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