I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
