my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
