Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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