How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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