Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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