so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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