Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
