I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
