I wish I could punch you in the face.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
